Sunday, November 7, 2010

Down Down, Deeper & Down!

My head is in the 'I'm gonna die soon' mode again. I haven't had it for a while, but when it hits, it fuckin' hits! Major panic attacks, night sweats, jolting myself awake (when I do actually manage to get to sleep!). Every twinge is a sign of a definite tumour. I try to calm myself by telling myself it's all in my head, and then that voice says "but what if it IS?"

A fellow musician died at the weekend, lung cancer, mid forties, never smoked, only started feeling ill a few weeks ago. Gone before his family knew what was happening.

Being the typical MAN, I keep all this to myself, behaving as normal as I can around everybody else. Late at night is the bad time, when all the worst thoughts have their christmas party in my head!

I will be fine again soon, I know, this has been going on since I was a teenager. But that knowledge doesn't make each episode any easier.

I'm glad I got that off my chest!, I feel a bit better already.  Thank you for listening.  :¬)

Much love.


  1. I understand. I had three friends die in the year after they turned forty, so I was crapping myself when I hit my 40th birthday. Consequently, my 41st birthday was one of the most welcome days of my life! Some would say that it's all quite irrational, but I disagree. Such shocking reminders of our own mortality can hit hard, especially if our nerves/feelings are a bit more vulnerable than usual at any given time. You've had a lot on your mind lately, so any upset is bound to hit hard just now. You've been here before, though, so don't need any advice. Just know that I'm thinking of you. xxoo

  2. Much love to you too, hon. Many hugs too. Just knowing that getting it off your chest can help makes me feel just a tiny bit better, although helpless on this side of the pond. xoxoxoxoxo

  3. I remember when as a kid I realised that one day I would die...and that there was nothing I could do about that. Sweats, panic, fear!
    I guess we all have those moments and I think there isnt much we can do about it, but these days I take comfort in the fact that my genetic duty is done...I have daughters and grandchildren so my genes live on forever...even when I am no longer here.

  4. Is there anyone that you can talk to? I mean, we're only so useful, but maybe you can get it off your chest in other ways. Having said that, I am petrified by the thoughts that I have about those I love dying. Take care of yourself and remember that there are those around you who want to listen. Many hugs xoxoxo

  5. These feelings can cripple us, but they can also bring our minds into sharp focus to remind ourselves what's really important in life.

    As has been said plenty of times before, no one lies on their death bed, looking back over their lives and wishing they'd spent more time at the office.

    Sometimes it is these feelings of mortality that help us make sure we create a better life and a better legacy that the one we'd been idling along in.

    However, in the immediate moment, find a loved one, hold them close and breathe them in.

  6. I can't think of a darn thing to make it any better except that you talk all you want and we'll be here, listening. Because we care, that's why. ;)

    But in the meantime, get a few PHYSICAL hugs...I don't mind sending the virtual kind but they can't stand up to a set of warm arms wrapped around you by someone who loves you, no matter what.

  7. Time and demanding daughters do not permit me a more thoughtful response but by "typical MAN" I assume you mean somewhat pig-headed, is that correct? Well, we can't help it, can we? We get it from our fathers. We are genetically predisposed to being typical men. Fortunately, that can encompass some rather good things, as well. Such as, being pig-headed about defeat.

  8. so sorry to hear, map - and you certainly have had your share of things of late - i hope you'll remember there's always a warm place in my heart and at my little campfires for you and yours - so come on over anytime - just sit and listen to the fire cracklin' or sit and listen to your own sorrow or fears - or whatever you need - just come on over! you've got a friend across the way! hugs - gypsy

  9. Oh, the things we do to ourselves...

    I suffer from panic attacks as well. It's awful, and you have my sympathies.

    You've done what you should: acknowledged your feelings and told a friend.

    Best wishes to you,